I WROTE THIS WHEN I GOT HOME YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES

Tue, 08 Jun 2004 00:00:14 GMT

[ edit ] @158 May.21.2004 07:48:31pm pst
update.

i finally found out the hard way what happens when i do too many drugs and don't take my medication.
it won't happen again.

i woke up wednesday morning with a handful of pills. i didn't know who the hell i was. i took the pills to school. i gave them to people i didn't know. i took pictures with people i didn't talk to. i talked to people i didn't talk to. i was friendly. i had a false sense of happiness and awareness. i still didn't know who the hell i was. i woke up that night in the hospital. i had bandages on my arms from where they drew my blood. the next morning i woke up again in the hospital. the mental part...i remembered bits and pieces of the day before. i was aware that i had done stupid shit at school and gotten arrested. i still don't know what happened. i still don't know who the hell i was that day.
when i left the hospital 6 days later i had been told that the gulf county sheriff's department was to come get me. i was lied to. as i was in bay county, the bay county sheriff's department picked me up. my parents didn't know that i was going to spend over 24 hours in the bay county jail -12 of those in a holding cell with 9 other people. it was crowded in there. one woman in there was crazy. but it all seems unreal still. then the next day when gulf county came to get me, i was told that i would go to first appearance that day and then when i got there they gave me clothes and a bed. i made my bed, and this bitch came to get me, and when i walked out into the room where they fingerprint people and stuff, my mom and my grandpa were there. the sheriff is really nice...he helped me out. i got to go to first appearance wednesday & the judge let me go. i am being charged with a second degree felony -- possession of a comntrolled substance (at school) with intent to distribute.
the way the judge talked i won't be going back to jail.
he thinks i can straighten up. i think he believed that i really learned my lesson this time.
i may be a legal adult but i'm still a child mentally. i am still extremely dependent on my parents. i still want my mommy when i get scared. i still can't go a week away from home without going insane.
but there is always that chance. it's causing me a lot of problems. i don't feel like i can straighten up. i know i can do what i am told and suck it up, and face not having a life but still living. but i don't want it to be that way. i feel like if i can fuck everything else up without trying, i might ruin some of the things that are important to me, like my relationship with brett.
i have never loathed myself the way i do now.
i want to die. i don't want to commit suicide, but i want to die.
i started throwing up my food again. i started smoking cigarettes.
i don't really trust anyone. i don't really want to be around anyone. i want to go on with my life and make new friends and forget about the people who i thought were friends in the past. i am hopefully going to attend school and redo my senior year somewhere in bay county next school year.
int the meantime if i don't die, i want to learn how to forgive myself for what i've done in the past. i've made too many mistakes that will be permanent. i realize there is room to correct most of them, but the impact that they made will be with me forever.
i'm trying.

fuck you

I WROTE THIS WHEN I GOT HOME YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES